Q:I split up with my boyfriend of three years ago. It was the first relationship for both of us. He was my best friend, and I thought we were happy. But I agreed to try and accept him because I felt that I wasn''t happy with him. Eventually, I told him that if he didn''t wanted me to get married, he said, "I wanted him to realize that he had no choice." I''m sure, though, that even though I wasn''t happy with him.
Most of my social circle has been with him and his friends for weeks, but I''m still afraid I''ll ever be friends with him again. I''m quite concerned that I cannot be honest about him once more, and that just putting me off without him because he wasn''t there before. I''m not sure if I can and should ever be friends with him again if he does not have the same purpose. I''m still concerned that I can and should never be friends with him again if he does
A: There''s a weird, olliterate joke I love that basically goes: a person asking to be friends after a breakup is like your mother said, aThe dog died, but we can still keep him! a Because friendship has a ton of value, therefore, it often plays a greater role in life than romantic love. Itas more that when something is over, sometimes itas actually over, and thereas simply no way to rewind and only select the beneficial
I strongly believe that individuals can have sex with their friends while keeping them engaged. I even believe that there are some individuals who have maintained relationships with exes after previous relationships (look at the cast of Selling Sunset) but this person is not your friend. It is not that I think itas 100% impossible ever with zero exceptions. This person is the ex whom you have entrusted over. Which is incredibly understandable especially for your first significant relationship.
I absolutely and without qualification believe you miss him and the intimacy you shared. It is not like I think you have bad intentions in wanting to be his friend. I believe that friendship with this person, while you enthuse the idea of your relationship, is a cause of extra anxiety and resentment. I am so pleased that you are talking to a therapist, and I am fully aware that loneliness isnat a setback for being soothed, because it requires other people. I am quite sorry. I think you are
a and you want the friendship with him to be a sort of do-over, given that you didnat feel like you had a relationship over the romantic relationship. I think you can and should strive for your satisfaction. Despite the fact that you broke up with him, you are glad you got to prove him. He is not the person who makes you believe, however.
I want to address the charges you paid him in your letter and dismantle a couple. I am not trying to atake sidesa in this, condescend, or make it seem like I know everything. I am just going off your letter. I believe that you both of you have both expressed their feelings. Below is what I am saying about this relationship. Ideally, you will be patient. (I still recommend that you contact this guy when necessary.)
First, you say, you thought you two were happy. If you thought you were happy, then you were happy! Just because the relationship is over a and poorly in your experience, does not mean the relationship was good. At least you do not have to view them that way.
You also mention that you donat believe him and think he doesn''t know what he wants. He is being very, very clear about what he wants. I am sorry that itas not a monogamous relationship with you. The separation of two people because they love each other but want different things is one of the hardest parts of adulthood. This is not the truth, however, because he wants something different than you want. His actions and remarks have demonstrated it.
If someone isnat sure they want monogamy, thatas not evil, but they must take steps to get rid of that and then not continue in relationships that aren''t beneficial to them. I wish he had figured out what he needed in the future. If nonmonogamy was a dealbreaker for you, don''t get stuck with them again.
I know that never talking to him again feels like walking barefoot on glass right now. It''s essential that you not talk to him or be his friend, and that you have to take care of others lives in a different way. In the long run, you may expect certain things to happen. Make sure you receive as much as you can. Take a lot of time and effort into your daily life. Be patient about your actions before surrendering.
You will get over this. No one I know has ever experienced the joy of a first love ending last their whole life with no more happiness ever. That only happens in Nicholas Sparks'' books and the first 20 minutes of a Pixar film. You will move on and be happy again and even be in love again. First, you must learn some lessons from this and sit with your big, mad, lonely, and bad feelings.