Annie: I grew up in an abusive home with a functioning (mean, abusive) alcoholic for a mother. I ended up becoming a functioning addict in an abusive relationship of my own. I have now reached a new high, gaining trust with people who have never asked for or deserve my forgiveness. I must to to make the recovery possible.
My mother continues to dispel any responsibility for her own actions. It would be wrong if she took responsibility for her actions, and she never misled. It's making it really difficult to forgive her, but in my heart, I keep hoping she'll change, and she'll do so again. What should I do?! Trying to Heal Your Word
Dear Trying to Heal: It is extremely difficult to forgive someone who isn't sorry. However, as you appear to know, it is essential to your own recovery.
Your mother may never be changed. It is up to you to decide what she will have on your life. Do you want to keep your anger, or do you want peace?
Follow Thich Nhat Hanh's advice: "Forgiveness is difficult, but even if you wish to forgive, you cannot. Even if you know him or her so many times, it's difficult to forgive. However, if you understand the pain and the deep suffering of him or her, and see that they have been the number one victim of their own suffering, the situation becomes different.
Annie: I am married to three beautiful children. I didn't get enough credits to graduate college, which has made my life a lot easier. I don't drive yet, and it makes life a lot more difficult when I need to go to the doctor or get groceries. I'm at a loss on how I can transform my life around and become a better mother and active member of society.
I want to get out of this cycle of going nowhere. I feel the pain of so many people on my shoulders, and I don't know which approach to take. Should I get my GED, then get a job, then worry about a car, I just want to get ahead of myself and get a car, and have more finances to worry about before getting my GED and a stable job.
I just want to be a role model for my children and feel a lot better about myself. Everyone around me tells me just be happy with life the way it is. Yet I do not want to be the mom who has to choose between feeding my kids and buying school clothes. -- Feeling Stuck and Lost
Firstly, congratulate you for taking the initiative to improve your and your children's lives. You're such a wonderful mother and are instilling a solid foundation for them.
When you get started on the job market, you'll get one thing off the plate and more opportunities. Consider saving up little by little for the kids' expenses and for car payments, whenever you are able to make them. In the meantime, make the most of public transportation and other affordable options.
It takes time and effort to gain financial security, but it sembles that you're on the verge of becoming successful. Be proud of yourself for how far you have come and continue to go for yourself and your family.
What Happened to My Cheating Partner? The second anthology for Annie Lane all featuring her favorite topics on marriage, infidelity, communication, and reconciliation is available as a paperback and e-book. Contact Annie Lane to discuss your questions.