Ask Amy: Years ago, grandparents sent me a judgmental note instead of a gift, but it continues to sting

Ask Amy: Years ago, grandparents sent me a judgmental note instead of a gift, but it continues to st ...

Amy, my children had sent my (then) young-adult daughter a birthday card a few years ago. Normally this would have included a monetary gift or gift card. However, when she opened it there was simply a note stating that there would be no gift, as they did not agreed with what she was hoping to spend some of her birthday money (a tattoo).

My daughter was soreased that she had to cry, and the words were poignant.

I told my husband that he must speak to his parents before they apologize. He didn't get what he meant.

I didn't care about a gift, but their note was awful, and I felt my daughter was worthy of apologies from people who should love her no matter their beliefs.

He believed I should call them because I was more dissatisfied with it than he was. I told him I would not be able to control my temper.

He never meant anything to them, although I have asked him to it multiple times.

Although I know my children love us, they are much more distant emotionally and emotionally than the rest of our family.

My daughter is planning her wedding. I am not certain that they will attend because to ongoing health concerns, but I do want to ensure that everyone is well equipped.

Should I please press my husband to advise them on how they have hurt our daughter? Should I? Is it just better to do my best to hide my fears under the rug and try to avoid them?

When a card arrives, our daughter has not forgotten, because it is a joking tale.

Mama Bear

Mama Bear: Your husband's parents were judgmental and unkind, but that's what they're going to do!

Their depressing judgment has likely caused their grandchild to be wary of them. Again, it's a result of their choice.

Because I like the fact that this has become a running joke for your daughter, because there's where I believe this incident is. (For example, if she receives a fat envelope in the mail: "Ooh, come to mama! I smell tattoo money!")

What I don't understand is why it is your husband's responsibility to confront his parents about behavior that does not seem to surprise him in the least.

This incident occurred several years ago. Your daughter is an adult. If she wants to make some resolution (for herself) she might contact them: "That birthday when you refused to pay me a gift because you thought I might pay it for a tattoo that really hurt! I felt like I had fallen several pegs in your affection for me, and I'm concerned that we have never recovered."

My advice for you is to yes do your best to accept their limitations as people and as grandparents.

If you accept them as flawed people who simply aren't very good at being accepting and loving grandparents, then you will not have to confront or forgive them.

Always treat them as you wish they treated others.

Amy, my wife and I are unable to make summertime plans with and for our kids. Quite simply, we don't know if a COVID variant might arise and derail all of our best-laid plans.

What are your suggestions?

Organized Dad

Dear Dad, make your intentions clear, assume that everything will work fine, and prepare yourself for future changes.

And I don't want to be "that guy," but please bear in mind that there are families who are dislocated by warfare and other natural and man-made events who do not have the privilege of even making plans.

Your family and mine may handle a variety of best-laid plans, and that in itself is something you should feel extremely grateful for.

Amy, a pregnant woman, whose sister-in-law had recently lost a baby, has issued a letter requesting that she continue attending baby-focused events, including showers and birthday celebrations.

40 years ago, I lost my infant son to a drunk driver.

It was simply impossible to be around anyone who is pregnant, like her sister-in-law. But, all you have to do is talk and therapy, too.

Because all of these feelings and emotions are still quite tender and raw, patience and kind are critical in this regard.

I believe that in time this relationship will turn around and everything will be good.

Have been to New York City for the last couple of years.

Many parents who have suffered through the loss of a child have been asked to demonstrate their support. Dear Been There: This question has prompted many of them to express their support.

Amy Dickinson may send an email or email, depending on the address provided. P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.

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