A new baby can feel like a third wheel in their marriage: A baby is like the third car in the car
Need relationship advice? Submit your questions to Meredith here.
Q. I've been married to my best friend for seven years now. Because of our dysfunctional upbringing, we were able to stay close to each other and create the life and family we always wanted. We had a baby during the epidemic. It was not planned, but after the initial shock, we were so excited to have this little one.
My question to Meredith and other readers/podcast listeners is: How do you avoid feeling like a little intruder (your child) is recurring in your marriage? My husband and I deeply respect our daughter, but when it comes to parenting, we must be extremely careful not to get too angry at her for entering our two-person bubble. We worked so hard to create this wonderful life where we could forget, and forgive, our childhoods. It was him and I against the world. But now we must accommodate this lovable soul and make sure we give her the childhood she never had. All while trying to maintain the team-like energy that we had before she arrived.
Every New Parent Out There Every Baby Out there - Every Parent Who Is Now Im There!
A. How do you not feel like a little intruder (your child) is merely stifling your marriage?
Sometimes, its OK to feel that way. When a kid comes into the picture, television and movies can make it look as though people will magically evolve into new versions of themselves. Of course, on bad days, youll be annoyed. Of course, youll long for those nights when you could get nine hours of sleep or simply stare into each others eyes without interruption. Sometimes change is. a shame.
You are a team. Even though youre a trio, the entire job rests with the grown-ups. Make sure youre not addressing baby things. Even if its just a walk, continue to make plans so you have something to look forward to.
Remember, your larger bubble should not be more than two people. Talk to friends who are parents. Ask for help from your community. Dont be afraid to be yourself.
The last thing Ill say is that some people love babies, but its a more one-sided relationship than it will be when she reaches adulthood. This first year, according to my memories with my friends, is a long road. Diaper changes, napping, waking up at odd hours a long list of interruptions with some cuteness. All of this, however, will change with time. If that makes sense, it never feels one way forever.
Breathe through the discomfort. Its only temporary. Youre doing it together.
READERS RESPOND. RELATE.
Take a few minutes each day to reconnect, even if it's just en route to snooze for ten minutes. If you get the feeling that parenting can be romantic, youll find that seeing different sides of your spouses personality is incredibly useful. WINDCHYME29 is a Wi-Fi hotspot.
I cant tell if you are referring to not having Saturday-night dates anymore, or something much deeper. If its the former, get a babysitter, but understand that life as you knew it is over and it's time to create., if it was the latter, the two of you should seek counseling. ASH - AST .
Nannies are a small group of children. Lots and lots of nannies. BABY-SUSSEX
Catch Season 5 of Meredith Goldsteins Love Letters podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen. Columns and responses are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.